Well done brother, well done

Barely able to hold back the nervous shakes and unable to take a good solid breath, he turns to the man beside him. With Deliberate concentration and much focus, he manages to push out, if almost inaudibly,

"I don't think I'm going to make it"

.... or something along those lines. But a moment later, all is forgotten as all eyes turn and focus on the now filled doorway at the rear of the room. The barely heard music is all that breaks the silence as she is slowly led down the newly flowered aisle towards the now utterly breathless man that is waiting for her. It seemed like hours, and yet their eyes never left each other. Neither his, nor hers looked at anything else. Another song begins and ends with them barely noticing. The only thought running through their minds is that of each other.

I can honestly say that I've never seen so much love in my entire life. Nor have i seen my eldest brother Bjorn more vulnerable at the same time. All of this made possible by the beautiful woman now standing in front of him. I had the honor and privilege of being a groomsman at my brothers wedding this last weekend and nothing could have made me more happy at that moment than to participate in their day.

I've always looked up to Bjorn, whether I openly admit it or not he has always been a role model to me. From sticking feathers in his hat, to his incredible work ethic and now seeing how he treats his newly wed wife Allison, his character has always been something to be desired. He makes me want to be a better man. He is someone I am glad to call brother.

Perhaps playing a part in the wedding has caused me to be slightly more emotional than normal, but the new addition to the family has made me appreciate all of them that much more. I love my family and I know I don't express that to them enough, but I also know that each time we get together I end up appreciating them more and more. Perhaps I should be telling them this instead of writing it to the minuscule amount of people who may or may not actually read this.

All in all, the wedding was easily the most beautiful thing I have yet to witness, pulling slightly ahead of the girls that I got to dance with (horray for shameless compliments... again something I should be saying and not writing....)

It was a weekend of firsts. First time dancing, first time trying an alcoholic beverage and the first time I really appreciated the Alberta landscape and especially the people. Three of my biggest misconceptions utterly shattered... I'm glad it happened.

Oh yeah, just so you know, dancing does NOT lead to sex...

Midnight Realizations

Try.

It's as simple as that.

You don't have to accomplish or succeed...
The pharisee's did that most admirably.

Just try.

That's all He wants.

I love you... but i don't like you.

I've lost count of the vast number of things that God has been teaching me in the last couple months. From humility, to worship, to the importance of community, I've been challenged in almost every area that I find I am stubborn in. My time spent at school so far hasn't been a time of learning as much as a time of application.

I've heard these things since i was little, and am now finding the importance in "practicing what you preach" (another thing i knew.. yet didn't know)

The most notable areas under attack would be my cynicism, independence, elitism and selfishness. All of which are focused on my separation from community. I'll be honest. Community would be great... if it wasn't for the people.

I can totally see how God is using school to put an end to that... especially a school that keeps me from having regular contact with my finely picked friends.

This separation has forced me into contact with people I normally wouldn't choose to associate with. This is not saying that they are not good people who would be awesome friends. On the contrary, being shoved into these friendships has just shown me how narrow-minded I am and how awesome new friends can be.

There is no room for selfishness, elitism, independence and cynicism in community. I can try and hid it... but sooner or later it will come out... most of the time in a rather hurtful manner. If those are present, the only other members of community that you have... is yourself.

Have fun playing dutch blitz in that community.

No man is an island. - John Donne

Sigh

One of the many things I miss about Saskatchewan.

The beauty of "Not Quite First"

Some had all red.

Some didn't have any at all.

Mine consisted of mainly blue with the rare splotch of red or white.

Now, getting first at the elementary school track meet might not be some peoples life ambition. But to me, at the age of 11 or so, it was a big deal. I would look around in envy at the people with all the red, or look down upon the people with just white, or didn't have any at all. I would start judging people on the ratio of red to blue to white that they had pinned to the side of their size M children's gym shorts and admire my superiority or wallow in my inferiority that the "Not Quite First" ribbon labeled me as.

I slowly come to realize the amount that I have been influenced by the happenings of my childhood. From things as large as the expectations I was to meet in all area's of my life, to the pathetic drive for accomplishment brought on by the ridiculous concept of worth judged by not only the amount of ribbons you had acquired, but also the color that they most brilliantly shone.

I just bought, Sex God, by Rob Bell.

In the opening chapter it talks about objects that are more than just objects. The wedding ring that isn't just a wedding ring.. it's a sign of commitment and love. The ribbons that aren't just ribbons... they're check marks, stickers, a thumbs up, or any other form of acknowledgment that try convince you that you are worth more or less than the people who received more or less than you.

Why are we ruled by the idea's that we must attain something? Why do people go around teaching other people or their children that they MUST be number 1? Why do we let ourselves fall into the immensely arrogant idea of thinking that we are better or worse than others?

I've grown up my entire life thinking that I should be getting good grades. While I agree that we should do our best, I completely disagree that we should work hard for the sake of accomplishing a set standard or grade that we have set up for ourselves. Do you think God will love you more if you get 100%? Do you think the person that got 65% is any less of a person or less loved for the simple fact that another human thought that they didn't do as good?

Now don't get me wrong, I think that we should strive for excellence... but when our striving gets in the way of the real reason we are doing it, then we have completely lost the reason as to why we started in the first place. That reason is to bring glory to God. Working for our own gratification is not only meaningless, but you will always walk away disappointed. Someone will always be better, faster, stronger, smarter, more able. First shouldn't be our goal, peace and joy in the presence of God should be.

Matthew 6: 19 - 21

19 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Another wash, a different load

Everything is new to me at them moment. A new city, a new landscape, new friends, new classes and even more new experiences. I don't really know what I expected. While I was passing the time the last 5 months in Moose Jaw and at camp, till the date would arrive when I would make my long and arduous journey out west.

Saying my goodbye's to the ever increasingly beautiful Saskatchewan prairies, my travels through Alberta (/spit), which eventually took me through the rugged east side of the rockies all the way to Kelowna. Visiting many a friend along the way, I got to view the amazing hugeness of the deep rockies as "Misery Signals" blared in my CD player. I have never had the chance of travelling through the mountains on my own, but something about the solitude of the trip awakened something in me. The very thought that I am just a speck driving in a slightly larger speck beneath huge mounds of bone crushing stone.

My prairie-ness got the better of me and I felt the first pangs of slight claustrophobia as I made my way further and further away from that which was comforting to me. Non-the-less, I fortified myself against the impending doom of a inevitable death dealing avalanche and continued my journey.

I love sunsets. I am going to miss them more than I imagined as they are a very rare commodity out here in the west. But as I passed through the unforgivable eastern and central part of the rockies, I came upon the smoother, lusher, more calm mountains that make up the Coquihalla and the most eastern part of the lower mainland of BC. It may have just been the calm weather and setting sun, but I have hardly ever seen anything that beautiful (with the exception of one thing... you know). I also know that coming from Saskatchewan has greatly increased my appreciation for tree's, but the area around Hope (city) just blew me away.

The next few days consisted of chilling in Chilli(no pun intended)wack and abbotsford, at the local coffee shot, listening to some good acoustic tunes and many, many hours of "Heroes". The reconnection of good friends from days past and getting accustomed to the strange ways of the west coasters.

Soon enough I found myself in a strange building filled with strange people getting ready for a strange year. Thats right, I enrolled in Bible School. So the next 8 months of my life will consist of homework, people and a ministry practicum. Now those of you who know anything about me at all, know that I was coming out to school here, and that reason being the ministry practicum which I am now the leader of (fancy that, eh?)

I am stuck in a new place, with new people, with new classes and new experiences. It may take me a while but i'm still trying to decide if new is good, it seems that it's starting to look that way.

From the flat openness of the tree-less (commonly thought) prairies, to the cramped and much to fast paced, tree filled lower mainland, and everything in between...

Everything is the same...

All you need is love, love is all you need

Now I'm going to pose a question. A question that I know will drag up many opinions, ones that I would love to hear. Now the question is this.

Is it possible (from a biblical standpoint) to Love? if not, how can we say we believe in a loving God? if so, is it possible to love without the help of God?

Now I'm not talking about the gushy, make-you-feel-warm, emotional high type love that we, in this day and age, have made love out to be. I'm talking about the love that God has told us about. The love that is actions and not words, intentions and not thoughts.

The definition of love that I am thinking of comes from two different places.

John 14:21

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

AND

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is now proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it holds no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but it rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Now I look at that list, and can't find a single thing that I can accomplish.

I hardly obey his commands
I'm not patient
I'm not kind
I envy
I boast
I'm proud
I'm rude
I'm self-seeking
I'm easily angered
I hold records of wrong
I delight in evil and hardly rejoice in the truth
I don't protect
I don't trust
I don't persevere

I fail at love

If love never fails, does that mean that if I fail at what ever love entails... I'm not loving? Or do I just have to complete a certain amount before I am loving? or do I just have to have tried before i qualify for the title of love?

Now that brings me to my next point. For what purpose do we exist for?

Love

Matthew 22:37

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commandments."


Ok, easy enough right? Love God. And what if I fail at love? I can't accomplish doing the single most important thing that I am on this earth to do.

So, if it isn't possible for me to truely love, that means I am unable to do what God has put me on this earth to do. What about trying to love? if you try to, yet don't really mean it... are you still loving?

Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

This is one of the things I don't understand about Christianity. Everything around me, everything that I see in this world, tells me that I have to earn what I want. Nothing is free, nothing comes without at price. So obviously I am duped into thinking that I have to try and earn God's love. And how do I earn it? By loving him back.

I try to attain what is freely given, and for that I am a fool. I try to comprehend what is is irrasionable in my human eyes, and for that I am blind.

Then again, 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us".

or even, 1 John 4:7 says, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God".

So is love something only attainable through the help of God? Is it something that must be bestowed upon us, like the holy spirit, before we can share it with others? and if so... what about non-christians? can they love? or is it just that fact that God made us and loves us, that we are able to love?

I don't really have any answers to all these question. I don't have the biblical knowledge to even begin trying to figure them out. All I know is...

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

...

I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda who wouldn't screw to save its species.

I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all those French beaches I'd never see.

I wanted to breath smoke.

I felt like destroying something beautiful.


I relish extreme bad moods. As much as I don't like being sad or angry, I try to extend them as much as possible because I know that as soon as they go away It's just going to be filled with bland-ness and lukewarm attempts to try and make day to day life a little less mundane.

That is my mood right now. I don't want someone to cheer me up, I don't want someone to tell me everthing is going to be ok. I want to enjoy the felling of being sad or mad or depressed or angry.... anything is better than nothing at all.

Tonight, my name is Tyler Durden

Lifes Check List

Top 5 Admirable Characteristics:

1) Honor [on-er] - noun: Honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions

2) Dignity [dig-ni-tee] - noun: Bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.

3) Courtesy [kur-tuh-see] - noun: Excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behavior.

4) Chivalry [shiv-uhl-ree] - noun: The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.

5) Courage [kur-ij] - noun: The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Hello? HELLO? goodbye

Willpower has never been a strong point in my list of attributes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet... when it comes to certain thing.

But for some reason, God gave us free choice. All I know is that I hardly ever make the right once. Then again, would it be better to make the wrong choice than to not have a choice at all? At least your on a distinct side then.

Now there is a big difference between making the right choice and actually following through with it. I, for one, find it hard to do either. Which makes it extremely hard to do the second if I can barely do the first.

There are very few things in my life that I struggle with... two of the biggest are somewhat related to what I am doing at this very moment. My computer has been my biggest support and my biggest downfall over the last couple years. Well not so much my computer, as the ability to use the World Wide Web.

As many of you might know, I have played WoW (world of warcraft) off and on for the past 2 years since its release. I rather enjoyed it. Considering the amount of time I have put into it some might say it had become a "problem". But the good news is, as of about a month ago, Matt (high school friend) quit playing. Good news? you might ask. Yes. Good news! This happening of events has instilled in me the determination to stop playing as well.

As good as that may sound... other things have popped up in its place to keep my attention (ie: Warcraft 3) And as fun as it is, I am now about to quit that as well.

A huge portion of my life has revolved around my computer and its intriguing collections of 1's and 0's. Now is the time that I hope my willpower does not fail.

As of tonight, I am terminating my connection to the outside world through the use of the internet. For those of you far away, perhaps we can keep in contact through this new invention called the Telli-fone machine. For those closer, give me a call... I would love to grab a coffee with you.

I bid you farewell, and would really appreciate your prayers in this.

Karl

PS - anyone know of any good places in Moose Jaw to build tree forts?