You are what you eat!

There is a huge battle going inside me at pretty much all times.. the fight between wanting to be accepted... and wanting to be myself.

Why is it that i hate the norm so much, yet have this incredible drive to achieve it? It just seems so hypocritical.

I know "hate" is a strong word... but I can't really think of any better way to put it.

I hate myspace, I hate MTV, I hate the radio, I hate fashion/magazines/ads/commercials... I even stongly dislike Bible Schools(thought i would tone it down a bit for that one, although you could probably guess my true feelings). Why you might ask? Because i look around me and i see people mindlessly following someone else, who is following someone else, who is following someone else.

The girl at school dresses like the popular cheerleader, who dresses like britney spears who dresses like what she thinks the girl at school wants her too dress like.

Yes, Myspace/MTV/radio/magazines all have there good sides to them... but I am a completely and thoroughly stubborn person and very rarely, and very grudgingly give in to such things. I just can't get over the fact that people don't ever really question what it is that they are pouring there entire lives into.

We're robots following the orders from "the man"... and we don't even realize it.

In almost every single thing we do... we are fake. And THAT is what i dislike about it. MTV/radio/fashion/magazines all put out a fictitious image of what we are all suppose to look like/act like/ enjoy listening to... and it sickens me. At work we have magazine upon magazine about celebrities and there daily activities. We mock them.. and yet try to become like them.

This whole topic is so completely ingrained in me that I am getting upset even thinking about it as I type this. I'm getting upset and sad because I am exactly what I hate... I look at what i listen too, what I dress like, what I act like... what i think about when I see a magazine telling us about how Britney Spears is flipping out at a night club... And it makes me physically sick.

I hate anything popular, yet I can't help but envy it at the same time. Satan has me gripped in his worldly view and it's eating me up inside. I try to imagine what being myself would look like... and I think, aren't I made up of everything around me? The experiences I've had, the things I've done/seen all make me who I am right? Am I made up of the things that perceive as disgusting? yes yes Yes.

I want so bad to be myself.. when myself is exactly what everyone else is. I am what I don't want to be. I find myself seeing people around me and thinking.. "Man, i really wish i could be unique and paint like Vange... or play piano like Hannah... or be as controversially stimulating as shaina... or be as caring as Erica... or as trusting in God as Dayna... or as strong willed as Justin, I wish I was myself... just like they are".

All of this influences my faith too. I don't even know how to explain it... I went to briercrest... and spent all of my time with the "haters". We were the people who disliked the majority of people around us because they were the over-achievers/wanna-be's/cool people. And at the very same time we were just fitting into a different category of people.

All i saw around me was fake-ness to the max. Majority of people were there for a) fun b) to find a spouse c) School diploma or the very least d) God

I would see people try to act spiritual just so people would admire them... or so they could impress that special someone that caught there eye. I saw people using Jesus' name for the sake of there own personal publicity... and it made me sick. This is part of the reason i feel very uncomfortable when talking about Jesus' with other people. Because honestly, if your going to be fake about your relationship with Christ then your pretty much mocking him to his face.

The more I think about it.. the more I realize why I am the way I am right now. I am a steady believer in Chivalry and Honor... both of which are all but forgotten in this day and age. My distaste in certain areas of popularity have totally boosted my determination to stick to the things I hold closest.

If i have offended anyone in any way by saying this... my deepest apologies... I just have to get things out every once in a while.