I need prayer.
Plain and Simple.
I despise asking for help in almost any situation, but it seems that I have no choice in this matter now. I need prayer, encouragement and most of all... a stern voice bearing down on me from behind.
Ever since I was little, I have hated doing new things. To be honest, I'm terrified of the unknown. My mom and dad would have to force me to do try something for the first time. Whether it be learning to ride a bike, go to youth group for the first time or even learn to drive, they would pretty much have to drag me kicking and screaming.
For this, I love my parents all the more. The thing was, once i tried something, I realized it wasn't so bad, and then you couldn't stop me from trying or participating. My parents knew this about me, and after all these years I still haven't clued in. I still have a fear of trying new things.
I realize all of this, yet I still have a hard time with it. Why should I be afraid if I know that I will enjoy it? I still don't know.
All of this transfers into my relationship with Christ. I have never lead anyone to Jesus. Heck, I don't feel qualified or even knowledgeable enough to spout out random words that could even be recognized as evangelism. I think part of this inadequacy has to do with me never even trying.
Now it may seem like I'm jumping around here a lot, and I am, but it will all sort of tie in together here in a bit.
One of the questions I dread most is the one you start to hear right about the time you hit grade 11. "So what are you doing after you graduate?" This in itself, is a terrible question. What if the person doesn't know? What if they are unsure? What if they are pressured by certain individuals to amount to a certain standard that they know they can't accomplish? WHAT IF THEY DON'T KNOW?!?!
I am one of those people. And in saying that... I am a liar.
All of these concerns, all of these questions all fall down to the bigger question...
What does God want me to do?
That ladies and gentlemen... i DO know.
My first year at working at GTBC, I worked with Connie. Now Connie was our Head Female Counselor. And in this summer working with her, I found out some of her past. I found out that she was dating this guy(which has nothing to do with this story) and that she did inner city work with an evangelism group in Vancouver.
THAT is what I am suppose to do. I have kept this to myself for the past couple years, and EVERY single time i hear about God's will, I immediately think about this. And every time I think about it, I try to stuff it away. I try to ignore what I know to my very core, what it is that I am suppose to do with my life.
This is what I need my prayer for.
This is what I need my encouragement for.
This is what I need the stern voice for.
So what is it that I'm doing with my life?
I'm running away.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Running with my fingers in my ears.
Posted by Karl
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3 comments:
Karl-I have to admit your blog brought tears to my eyes. I have been working here in Zurich doing inner city missions-and I love it-it's a challenging but rewarding job. But what most amazed me about your blog is your REALNESS. The people read that so clearly, just how sincere and real you are-its not so much in what you say, as to who you are-which is a child of God-just as broken and in need of Christ as they are!!..you are headed in the right direction-(even if it is with your fingers in your ears!)
I want to encourage you to keep running and discovering who you really are, digging deep and bringing into the light the passions HE has place deep within-And do it with an open heart-and one that is completely real in rom out our Father.
God will bless you richly if you give him the room to work!
My Prayers are with you Cous!!
(By the way-feel free to come and join me for a few weeks over here working with me and my street friends here! I am serious!) They show me Jesus everyday.
Karl,
Brave writing my friend. I am praying for you - I have no doubt that God is going to shake things up for you.
Like your parents pushing into some new and wonderous thing...God, The Father nudges as well!
I hesitate to comment on people's blogs, but i feel i might have something useful to add, so take it with a grain of salt. You're only running because God allows you too; he doesn't force, being the gentlemen he is. Just because he's given you a vision doesn't mean you had to accept it and enter into it as soon as you learned of it. We think because we know something we automatically have to do it right then- God's plans and purposes can take years and time to mature fully before said purpose can be accomplished. A soldier first needs training and instruction; if they rushed into battle after a week of base training, they wouldn't know how to survive. If God wanted you in Vancouver right now, he could send a whale to swallow you and spit you out on the banks of B.C. (landlocked Sask or not) You'll get there eventually i believe. So stop beating yourself up in the meantime and enjoy what you are living and learning that will better equip and prepare you for when you do go. Look upward at the sky and not so much towards what is around you at eye level when you lose clarity. And if you insist on running the rest of your life, know that glory was brought to God whether Israel obeyed or disobeyed him. -Jennie
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