You are what you eat!

There is a huge battle going inside me at pretty much all times.. the fight between wanting to be accepted... and wanting to be myself.

Why is it that i hate the norm so much, yet have this incredible drive to achieve it? It just seems so hypocritical.

I know "hate" is a strong word... but I can't really think of any better way to put it.

I hate myspace, I hate MTV, I hate the radio, I hate fashion/magazines/ads/commercials... I even stongly dislike Bible Schools(thought i would tone it down a bit for that one, although you could probably guess my true feelings). Why you might ask? Because i look around me and i see people mindlessly following someone else, who is following someone else, who is following someone else.

The girl at school dresses like the popular cheerleader, who dresses like britney spears who dresses like what she thinks the girl at school wants her too dress like.

Yes, Myspace/MTV/radio/magazines all have there good sides to them... but I am a completely and thoroughly stubborn person and very rarely, and very grudgingly give in to such things. I just can't get over the fact that people don't ever really question what it is that they are pouring there entire lives into.

We're robots following the orders from "the man"... and we don't even realize it.

In almost every single thing we do... we are fake. And THAT is what i dislike about it. MTV/radio/fashion/magazines all put out a fictitious image of what we are all suppose to look like/act like/ enjoy listening to... and it sickens me. At work we have magazine upon magazine about celebrities and there daily activities. We mock them.. and yet try to become like them.

This whole topic is so completely ingrained in me that I am getting upset even thinking about it as I type this. I'm getting upset and sad because I am exactly what I hate... I look at what i listen too, what I dress like, what I act like... what i think about when I see a magazine telling us about how Britney Spears is flipping out at a night club... And it makes me physically sick.

I hate anything popular, yet I can't help but envy it at the same time. Satan has me gripped in his worldly view and it's eating me up inside. I try to imagine what being myself would look like... and I think, aren't I made up of everything around me? The experiences I've had, the things I've done/seen all make me who I am right? Am I made up of the things that perceive as disgusting? yes yes Yes.

I want so bad to be myself.. when myself is exactly what everyone else is. I am what I don't want to be. I find myself seeing people around me and thinking.. "Man, i really wish i could be unique and paint like Vange... or play piano like Hannah... or be as controversially stimulating as shaina... or be as caring as Erica... or as trusting in God as Dayna... or as strong willed as Justin, I wish I was myself... just like they are".

All of this influences my faith too. I don't even know how to explain it... I went to briercrest... and spent all of my time with the "haters". We were the people who disliked the majority of people around us because they were the over-achievers/wanna-be's/cool people. And at the very same time we were just fitting into a different category of people.

All i saw around me was fake-ness to the max. Majority of people were there for a) fun b) to find a spouse c) School diploma or the very least d) God

I would see people try to act spiritual just so people would admire them... or so they could impress that special someone that caught there eye. I saw people using Jesus' name for the sake of there own personal publicity... and it made me sick. This is part of the reason i feel very uncomfortable when talking about Jesus' with other people. Because honestly, if your going to be fake about your relationship with Christ then your pretty much mocking him to his face.

The more I think about it.. the more I realize why I am the way I am right now. I am a steady believer in Chivalry and Honor... both of which are all but forgotten in this day and age. My distaste in certain areas of popularity have totally boosted my determination to stick to the things I hold closest.

If i have offended anyone in any way by saying this... my deepest apologies... I just have to get things out every once in a while.

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Whats that you say?

I would just like to start off by apologizing for my total lack of speed or grace when it comes to replying to the happenings in my ever so intriguing life.

The events that have transpired over the last few weeks have been both a blessing and a curse to me(curse is a rather strong word, but i couldn't think of anything better). Although it lifts a great burden from my shoulders, it has also filled me with dread. But in the end, this is much better than trying to ignore the ever insistent voice of the big man above.

We last left off at the topic of me running from said voice and its persistence in getting me to finally (3 years and running) admit defeat and succumb to our all knowing and ever loving Father.

I know that i prattle on and on in this rather stupid way, but I see it as a way to sort of vent or try and be creative in a way that doesn't seem overly redundant(which i am realizing that i am failing terribly at) But just bear with me and I will eventually get to the good stuff.

I talked to Connie.

And in doing so I found out that this evangelism group out of Vancouver is actually a bible school in Langley, BC called Christ for the Nations. (www.cfni.bc.ca) is the website if you care to check it out.

But anyways, after talking to Connie for a while, she told me that this street evangelism thing was actually a course that you could take. Highways and Biways it's called, and in this class they teach you how to present your faith and talk to people about it... and heres the best part...

They drop you off in a number of place, but the most noticeable one is East Hastings.

Now if any of you know me, you will know that I am not really a people person. Well it's not that I don't like people... it's that I don't like talking to people I don't know, and it makes it even more difficult if I have to talk about my faith(which is something I feel uncomfortable doing with even close friends).

So as of now I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed and relieved at the same time. On one hand I know what God wants me to do and that He is with me all the way, which is great(the unknown terrifies me). Yet this knowledge of what I'm suppose to do terrifies me even more.

Any prayer or support in this matter would be immensely appreciated.

Thank you in advance for the prayers and if not that?... thanks for reading my little blob of vowels and consunints.(wow, I don't even know how to spell a letter)

I bid you good day.

Running with my fingers in my ears.

I need prayer.

Plain and Simple.

I despise asking for help in almost any situation, but it seems that I have no choice in this matter now. I need prayer, encouragement and most of all... a stern voice bearing down on me from behind.

Ever since I was little, I have hated doing new things. To be honest, I'm terrified of the unknown. My mom and dad would have to force me to do try something for the first time. Whether it be learning to ride a bike, go to youth group for the first time or even learn to drive, they would pretty much have to drag me kicking and screaming.

For this, I love my parents all the more. The thing was, once i tried something, I realized it wasn't so bad, and then you couldn't stop me from trying or participating. My parents knew this about me, and after all these years I still haven't clued in. I still have a fear of trying new things.

I realize all of this, yet I still have a hard time with it. Why should I be afraid if I know that I will enjoy it? I still don't know.

All of this transfers into my relationship with Christ. I have never lead anyone to Jesus. Heck, I don't feel qualified or even knowledgeable enough to spout out random words that could even be recognized as evangelism. I think part of this inadequacy has to do with me never even trying.

Now it may seem like I'm jumping around here a lot, and I am, but it will all sort of tie in together here in a bit.

One of the questions I dread most is the one you start to hear right about the time you hit grade 11. "So what are you doing after you graduate?" This in itself, is a terrible question. What if the person doesn't know? What if they are unsure? What if they are pressured by certain individuals to amount to a certain standard that they know they can't accomplish? WHAT IF THEY DON'T KNOW?!?!

I am one of those people. And in saying that... I am a liar.

All of these concerns, all of these questions all fall down to the bigger question...



What does God want me to do?



That ladies and gentlemen... i DO know.

My first year at working at GTBC, I worked with Connie. Now Connie was our Head Female Counselor. And in this summer working with her, I found out some of her past. I found out that she was dating this guy(which has nothing to do with this story) and that she did inner city work with an evangelism group in Vancouver.

THAT is what I am suppose to do. I have kept this to myself for the past couple years, and EVERY single time i hear about God's will, I immediately think about this. And every time I think about it, I try to stuff it away. I try to ignore what I know to my very core, what it is that I am suppose to do with my life.

This is what I need my prayer for.
This is what I need my encouragement for.
This is what I need the stern voice for.

So what is it that I'm doing with my life?



I'm running away.

Honorable Unacted Intentions

I am slowly realizing more and more how much of a pessimist I actually am. Sure, in everyday situations i like to look for the best in them. But when it comes to perceiving myself and the thing going on around me, i can't help but be disgusted. Some people may not agree with my views on these subjects, but this is my blog and i shall say whatever I see fit. This shall all make sense after i give you a little background on what got me thinking so.

Shaina and I got to talking again tonight(usually ending quite late) and we settled upon the topic of our ancestry. For those who actually know me well enough, you will already know that I have an almost unhealthy admiration for Viking heritage. I love reading and learning about where I came from (I'm 3/4 Norwegian and a 1/4 Swedish), and how my ancestors lived and what there values were.

Looking back on all of this I'm realizing more and more how we have started to lose the few things that make us humans. Such qualities as chivalry, integrity and the most distressing... honor are all but lost on us. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing my finger at everyone else saying that they are all terrible people, seeing as I am just as bad at portraying these qualities as everyone else. This is all the more disappointing for me as I notice I don't behave or act according to the standards that I view are important.

What ever happened to the saying "A man is only as good as his word"? Look around and you will see that we are surrounded by cheats, liars and swindlers. But i guess that is to be expected with the lack of respect and fear of God.

Respect!

Now there is another trait that has all but diminished, and in so many ways too. Respect for our elders is gone and respect for woman was all but annihilated decades ago. But that is all another topic for another day.

But as i look back at all that I am righting.. i come to one conclusion...

I'm a hypocrite

Everything i stand for or admire, i can't embody. It's not that its hard, I just don't do it. I have been trained so well by todays decaying society that it is a daily battle to just be polite. Sure i try to open the door for a lady, but at the end of the day what does that accomplish? her saving a few calories burned? So in saying all of this, I put the task up to all of you. If you ever seeing me act in a fashion that is contradictory to what I write here... TELL ME!

Not gonna do any good letting little things slide.

Cause in the end.. isn't a whole bunch of little things.. a big thing?

Honor - honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions

A chosen people?

I am currently reading through Acts, when i came across something that puzzled me in verse 13:48. Paul and Barnabas are traveling around telling people about Jesus' death and resurrection when they come to Antioch.

47. For this is what the Lord has commanded us:

"I have made you a light for the Gentiles,
That you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth."

48. When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and honored the word of the Lord; and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.

Now that last little bit is what puzzles me. Doesn't everyone have the chance to believe in God? Are there certain individuals out there who God specifically closes there eyes so that they won't believe? I know that God is all knowing and knows how a person dies and where they go (book of life) So is that sorta what Paul is writing here? That the people who won't believe anyways aren't allowed to believe? Personally this kind of scares me, are there people out there that it's not that they won't turn to God... but that they can't?

Choice

This demon grows withing me.
Ever stronger it becomes.
Ever harder to resist its subtle whispers.
More and more persistent in its utterances.

It follows me to the ends of the earth.
It haunts my dreams.
Attacks at my weakest moments.
Lays bare the real me.

I despise this thing.
I love it more than anything.
I hate it with the heat of a thousand suns.
Yet i hold it close so that i might be burnt.

I wish nothing more than to be free.
Yet i love my captor.
Begging for more.
I cry at what i receive.

There is one exit.
The place i yearn for in the deepest recesses of my being.
I fear the freedom.
I recognize myself in a cracked mirror.

The road is spread out before me.
Both directions end in DEATH.
I know the way i should die.
I must die.

Death is the only life.
Choose my death?

I have made my choice.

Jesus

I have been born again.

Explosive Happiness

This QOTW has to do with one of my previous posts.

Can we experience true joy through things that aren't God honoring? and if so, what is an example?

Conforming to Cold?

You know it happens, but you only realize it every so often. It's sneaky, its sly, it happens so slowly that you don't know it happened till after its done. We all conform, we all adapt, we all take on traits of the stronger things around us. It may just be getting use to the cold weather outside, it may be picking up on a little thing that saying that the popular kid says all the time. Or it may be picking up on the other not so good language of the people around you.

We slowly become the things we are immersed in. Working at camp all summer was great, i was continually around people who had relationships with God, who talked and lived for God. It makes it that much easier for me to follow suit. Then again, i move away, i am no longer surrounded by that kind of environment. I slowly lose touch with what i couldn't help but participate in before.

It's like being use to the cold of winter, but spring comes around... the cold is no longer there. So you become accustomed to the heat. It's like a best friend who moves away... then slowly become less of a best friend and more of a stranger.What happened to being use to the cold? What happened to that relationship you worked so hard to have? Why do we totally forget about things that we don't come in contact with repeatedly? Why do we drift away from the things that meant so much to us just because its not there for a little while?

We are a people of quick fixes.

Sunset reflection in the oil spill

You know the feeling,

You may be doing something little, you may be doing nothing at all. It could be the sights, sounds or smells around you. But for some reason, whatever it may be, that something makes you extremely happy. And i'm not talking about just a little smile and chuckle. I mean the "can barely contain your laughter-going to smile so hard you rip your face in half" kind of happy. The kind of happy that makes you want to scream or dance or run.

For me, this experience happens very little... but when it does, it's just that much sweeter.

The thing that causes this for me is music. Something about crazy bass, heavy guitar and even heavier screaming just makes my skin tingle.

Being outside does this sometimes too (although to a lesser degree). Saskatchewan sunsets just blow me away, along with the massively beautiful mountains of the Rockies or the sun sparkling off the early morning frost(you know, the frost that completely covers a tree making it look like it was sprayed with glue and than dunked in glitter.

I love it, I wish i could experience it more.

But i was thinking earlier. Is this joy always from God? If the music i'm listening to isn't honoring to God... is the feeling from God?

I can just imagine seeing Jesus for the first time, and for some reason i think he is going to sing instead of talk.

I always heard that God is part of everything, that he is everywhere. Music is how i see God's beauty the clearest.

Music floats my boat!