Running with my fingers in my ears.

I need prayer.

Plain and Simple.

I despise asking for help in almost any situation, but it seems that I have no choice in this matter now. I need prayer, encouragement and most of all... a stern voice bearing down on me from behind.

Ever since I was little, I have hated doing new things. To be honest, I'm terrified of the unknown. My mom and dad would have to force me to do try something for the first time. Whether it be learning to ride a bike, go to youth group for the first time or even learn to drive, they would pretty much have to drag me kicking and screaming.

For this, I love my parents all the more. The thing was, once i tried something, I realized it wasn't so bad, and then you couldn't stop me from trying or participating. My parents knew this about me, and after all these years I still haven't clued in. I still have a fear of trying new things.

I realize all of this, yet I still have a hard time with it. Why should I be afraid if I know that I will enjoy it? I still don't know.

All of this transfers into my relationship with Christ. I have never lead anyone to Jesus. Heck, I don't feel qualified or even knowledgeable enough to spout out random words that could even be recognized as evangelism. I think part of this inadequacy has to do with me never even trying.

Now it may seem like I'm jumping around here a lot, and I am, but it will all sort of tie in together here in a bit.

One of the questions I dread most is the one you start to hear right about the time you hit grade 11. "So what are you doing after you graduate?" This in itself, is a terrible question. What if the person doesn't know? What if they are unsure? What if they are pressured by certain individuals to amount to a certain standard that they know they can't accomplish? WHAT IF THEY DON'T KNOW?!?!

I am one of those people. And in saying that... I am a liar.

All of these concerns, all of these questions all fall down to the bigger question...



What does God want me to do?



That ladies and gentlemen... i DO know.

My first year at working at GTBC, I worked with Connie. Now Connie was our Head Female Counselor. And in this summer working with her, I found out some of her past. I found out that she was dating this guy(which has nothing to do with this story) and that she did inner city work with an evangelism group in Vancouver.

THAT is what I am suppose to do. I have kept this to myself for the past couple years, and EVERY single time i hear about God's will, I immediately think about this. And every time I think about it, I try to stuff it away. I try to ignore what I know to my very core, what it is that I am suppose to do with my life.

This is what I need my prayer for.
This is what I need my encouragement for.
This is what I need the stern voice for.

So what is it that I'm doing with my life?



I'm running away.

Honorable Unacted Intentions

I am slowly realizing more and more how much of a pessimist I actually am. Sure, in everyday situations i like to look for the best in them. But when it comes to perceiving myself and the thing going on around me, i can't help but be disgusted. Some people may not agree with my views on these subjects, but this is my blog and i shall say whatever I see fit. This shall all make sense after i give you a little background on what got me thinking so.

Shaina and I got to talking again tonight(usually ending quite late) and we settled upon the topic of our ancestry. For those who actually know me well enough, you will already know that I have an almost unhealthy admiration for Viking heritage. I love reading and learning about where I came from (I'm 3/4 Norwegian and a 1/4 Swedish), and how my ancestors lived and what there values were.

Looking back on all of this I'm realizing more and more how we have started to lose the few things that make us humans. Such qualities as chivalry, integrity and the most distressing... honor are all but lost on us. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing my finger at everyone else saying that they are all terrible people, seeing as I am just as bad at portraying these qualities as everyone else. This is all the more disappointing for me as I notice I don't behave or act according to the standards that I view are important.

What ever happened to the saying "A man is only as good as his word"? Look around and you will see that we are surrounded by cheats, liars and swindlers. But i guess that is to be expected with the lack of respect and fear of God.

Respect!

Now there is another trait that has all but diminished, and in so many ways too. Respect for our elders is gone and respect for woman was all but annihilated decades ago. But that is all another topic for another day.

But as i look back at all that I am righting.. i come to one conclusion...

I'm a hypocrite

Everything i stand for or admire, i can't embody. It's not that its hard, I just don't do it. I have been trained so well by todays decaying society that it is a daily battle to just be polite. Sure i try to open the door for a lady, but at the end of the day what does that accomplish? her saving a few calories burned? So in saying all of this, I put the task up to all of you. If you ever seeing me act in a fashion that is contradictory to what I write here... TELL ME!

Not gonna do any good letting little things slide.

Cause in the end.. isn't a whole bunch of little things.. a big thing?

Honor - honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions

A chosen people?

I am currently reading through Acts, when i came across something that puzzled me in verse 13:48. Paul and Barnabas are traveling around telling people about Jesus' death and resurrection when they come to Antioch.

47. For this is what the Lord has commanded us:

"I have made you a light for the Gentiles,
That you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth."

48. When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and honored the word of the Lord; and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.

Now that last little bit is what puzzles me. Doesn't everyone have the chance to believe in God? Are there certain individuals out there who God specifically closes there eyes so that they won't believe? I know that God is all knowing and knows how a person dies and where they go (book of life) So is that sorta what Paul is writing here? That the people who won't believe anyways aren't allowed to believe? Personally this kind of scares me, are there people out there that it's not that they won't turn to God... but that they can't?