I love you... but i don't like you.

I've lost count of the vast number of things that God has been teaching me in the last couple months. From humility, to worship, to the importance of community, I've been challenged in almost every area that I find I am stubborn in. My time spent at school so far hasn't been a time of learning as much as a time of application.

I've heard these things since i was little, and am now finding the importance in "practicing what you preach" (another thing i knew.. yet didn't know)

The most notable areas under attack would be my cynicism, independence, elitism and selfishness. All of which are focused on my separation from community. I'll be honest. Community would be great... if it wasn't for the people.

I can totally see how God is using school to put an end to that... especially a school that keeps me from having regular contact with my finely picked friends.

This separation has forced me into contact with people I normally wouldn't choose to associate with. This is not saying that they are not good people who would be awesome friends. On the contrary, being shoved into these friendships has just shown me how narrow-minded I am and how awesome new friends can be.

There is no room for selfishness, elitism, independence and cynicism in community. I can try and hid it... but sooner or later it will come out... most of the time in a rather hurtful manner. If those are present, the only other members of community that you have... is yourself.

Have fun playing dutch blitz in that community.

No man is an island. - John Donne

Sigh

One of the many things I miss about Saskatchewan.

The beauty of "Not Quite First"

Some had all red.

Some didn't have any at all.

Mine consisted of mainly blue with the rare splotch of red or white.

Now, getting first at the elementary school track meet might not be some peoples life ambition. But to me, at the age of 11 or so, it was a big deal. I would look around in envy at the people with all the red, or look down upon the people with just white, or didn't have any at all. I would start judging people on the ratio of red to blue to white that they had pinned to the side of their size M children's gym shorts and admire my superiority or wallow in my inferiority that the "Not Quite First" ribbon labeled me as.

I slowly come to realize the amount that I have been influenced by the happenings of my childhood. From things as large as the expectations I was to meet in all area's of my life, to the pathetic drive for accomplishment brought on by the ridiculous concept of worth judged by not only the amount of ribbons you had acquired, but also the color that they most brilliantly shone.

I just bought, Sex God, by Rob Bell.

In the opening chapter it talks about objects that are more than just objects. The wedding ring that isn't just a wedding ring.. it's a sign of commitment and love. The ribbons that aren't just ribbons... they're check marks, stickers, a thumbs up, or any other form of acknowledgment that try convince you that you are worth more or less than the people who received more or less than you.

Why are we ruled by the idea's that we must attain something? Why do people go around teaching other people or their children that they MUST be number 1? Why do we let ourselves fall into the immensely arrogant idea of thinking that we are better or worse than others?

I've grown up my entire life thinking that I should be getting good grades. While I agree that we should do our best, I completely disagree that we should work hard for the sake of accomplishing a set standard or grade that we have set up for ourselves. Do you think God will love you more if you get 100%? Do you think the person that got 65% is any less of a person or less loved for the simple fact that another human thought that they didn't do as good?

Now don't get me wrong, I think that we should strive for excellence... but when our striving gets in the way of the real reason we are doing it, then we have completely lost the reason as to why we started in the first place. That reason is to bring glory to God. Working for our own gratification is not only meaningless, but you will always walk away disappointed. Someone will always be better, faster, stronger, smarter, more able. First shouldn't be our goal, peace and joy in the presence of God should be.

Matthew 6: 19 - 21

19 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Another wash, a different load

Everything is new to me at them moment. A new city, a new landscape, new friends, new classes and even more new experiences. I don't really know what I expected. While I was passing the time the last 5 months in Moose Jaw and at camp, till the date would arrive when I would make my long and arduous journey out west.

Saying my goodbye's to the ever increasingly beautiful Saskatchewan prairies, my travels through Alberta (/spit), which eventually took me through the rugged east side of the rockies all the way to Kelowna. Visiting many a friend along the way, I got to view the amazing hugeness of the deep rockies as "Misery Signals" blared in my CD player. I have never had the chance of travelling through the mountains on my own, but something about the solitude of the trip awakened something in me. The very thought that I am just a speck driving in a slightly larger speck beneath huge mounds of bone crushing stone.

My prairie-ness got the better of me and I felt the first pangs of slight claustrophobia as I made my way further and further away from that which was comforting to me. Non-the-less, I fortified myself against the impending doom of a inevitable death dealing avalanche and continued my journey.

I love sunsets. I am going to miss them more than I imagined as they are a very rare commodity out here in the west. But as I passed through the unforgivable eastern and central part of the rockies, I came upon the smoother, lusher, more calm mountains that make up the Coquihalla and the most eastern part of the lower mainland of BC. It may have just been the calm weather and setting sun, but I have hardly ever seen anything that beautiful (with the exception of one thing... you know). I also know that coming from Saskatchewan has greatly increased my appreciation for tree's, but the area around Hope (city) just blew me away.

The next few days consisted of chilling in Chilli(no pun intended)wack and abbotsford, at the local coffee shot, listening to some good acoustic tunes and many, many hours of "Heroes". The reconnection of good friends from days past and getting accustomed to the strange ways of the west coasters.

Soon enough I found myself in a strange building filled with strange people getting ready for a strange year. Thats right, I enrolled in Bible School. So the next 8 months of my life will consist of homework, people and a ministry practicum. Now those of you who know anything about me at all, know that I was coming out to school here, and that reason being the ministry practicum which I am now the leader of (fancy that, eh?)

I am stuck in a new place, with new people, with new classes and new experiences. It may take me a while but i'm still trying to decide if new is good, it seems that it's starting to look that way.

From the flat openness of the tree-less (commonly thought) prairies, to the cramped and much to fast paced, tree filled lower mainland, and everything in between...

Everything is the same...

All you need is love, love is all you need

Now I'm going to pose a question. A question that I know will drag up many opinions, ones that I would love to hear. Now the question is this.

Is it possible (from a biblical standpoint) to Love? if not, how can we say we believe in a loving God? if so, is it possible to love without the help of God?

Now I'm not talking about the gushy, make-you-feel-warm, emotional high type love that we, in this day and age, have made love out to be. I'm talking about the love that God has told us about. The love that is actions and not words, intentions and not thoughts.

The definition of love that I am thinking of comes from two different places.

John 14:21

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

AND

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is now proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it holds no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but it rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Now I look at that list, and can't find a single thing that I can accomplish.

I hardly obey his commands
I'm not patient
I'm not kind
I envy
I boast
I'm proud
I'm rude
I'm self-seeking
I'm easily angered
I hold records of wrong
I delight in evil and hardly rejoice in the truth
I don't protect
I don't trust
I don't persevere

I fail at love

If love never fails, does that mean that if I fail at what ever love entails... I'm not loving? Or do I just have to complete a certain amount before I am loving? or do I just have to have tried before i qualify for the title of love?

Now that brings me to my next point. For what purpose do we exist for?

Love

Matthew 22:37

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hand on these two commandments."


Ok, easy enough right? Love God. And what if I fail at love? I can't accomplish doing the single most important thing that I am on this earth to do.

So, if it isn't possible for me to truely love, that means I am unable to do what God has put me on this earth to do. What about trying to love? if you try to, yet don't really mean it... are you still loving?

Romans 12:9

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

This is one of the things I don't understand about Christianity. Everything around me, everything that I see in this world, tells me that I have to earn what I want. Nothing is free, nothing comes without at price. So obviously I am duped into thinking that I have to try and earn God's love. And how do I earn it? By loving him back.

I try to attain what is freely given, and for that I am a fool. I try to comprehend what is is irrasionable in my human eyes, and for that I am blind.

Then again, 1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us".

or even, 1 John 4:7 says, "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God".

So is love something only attainable through the help of God? Is it something that must be bestowed upon us, like the holy spirit, before we can share it with others? and if so... what about non-christians? can they love? or is it just that fact that God made us and loves us, that we are able to love?

I don't really have any answers to all these question. I don't have the biblical knowledge to even begin trying to figure them out. All I know is...

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

...

I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda who wouldn't screw to save its species.

I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all those French beaches I'd never see.

I wanted to breath smoke.

I felt like destroying something beautiful.


I relish extreme bad moods. As much as I don't like being sad or angry, I try to extend them as much as possible because I know that as soon as they go away It's just going to be filled with bland-ness and lukewarm attempts to try and make day to day life a little less mundane.

That is my mood right now. I don't want someone to cheer me up, I don't want someone to tell me everthing is going to be ok. I want to enjoy the felling of being sad or mad or depressed or angry.... anything is better than nothing at all.

Tonight, my name is Tyler Durden

Lifes Check List

Top 5 Admirable Characteristics:

1) Honor [on-er] - noun: Honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions

2) Dignity [dig-ni-tee] - noun: Bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.

3) Courtesy [kur-tuh-see] - noun: Excellence of manners or social conduct; polite behavior.

4) Chivalry [shiv-uhl-ree] - noun: The qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women.

5) Courage [kur-ij] - noun: The quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

Hello? HELLO? goodbye

Willpower has never been a strong point in my list of attributes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm one of the most stubborn people you will ever meet... when it comes to certain thing.

But for some reason, God gave us free choice. All I know is that I hardly ever make the right once. Then again, would it be better to make the wrong choice than to not have a choice at all? At least your on a distinct side then.

Now there is a big difference between making the right choice and actually following through with it. I, for one, find it hard to do either. Which makes it extremely hard to do the second if I can barely do the first.

There are very few things in my life that I struggle with... two of the biggest are somewhat related to what I am doing at this very moment. My computer has been my biggest support and my biggest downfall over the last couple years. Well not so much my computer, as the ability to use the World Wide Web.

As many of you might know, I have played WoW (world of warcraft) off and on for the past 2 years since its release. I rather enjoyed it. Considering the amount of time I have put into it some might say it had become a "problem". But the good news is, as of about a month ago, Matt (high school friend) quit playing. Good news? you might ask. Yes. Good news! This happening of events has instilled in me the determination to stop playing as well.

As good as that may sound... other things have popped up in its place to keep my attention (ie: Warcraft 3) And as fun as it is, I am now about to quit that as well.

A huge portion of my life has revolved around my computer and its intriguing collections of 1's and 0's. Now is the time that I hope my willpower does not fail.

As of tonight, I am terminating my connection to the outside world through the use of the internet. For those of you far away, perhaps we can keep in contact through this new invention called the Telli-fone machine. For those closer, give me a call... I would love to grab a coffee with you.

I bid you farewell, and would really appreciate your prayers in this.

Karl

PS - anyone know of any good places in Moose Jaw to build tree forts?

You are what you eat!

There is a huge battle going inside me at pretty much all times.. the fight between wanting to be accepted... and wanting to be myself.

Why is it that i hate the norm so much, yet have this incredible drive to achieve it? It just seems so hypocritical.

I know "hate" is a strong word... but I can't really think of any better way to put it.

I hate myspace, I hate MTV, I hate the radio, I hate fashion/magazines/ads/commercials... I even stongly dislike Bible Schools(thought i would tone it down a bit for that one, although you could probably guess my true feelings). Why you might ask? Because i look around me and i see people mindlessly following someone else, who is following someone else, who is following someone else.

The girl at school dresses like the popular cheerleader, who dresses like britney spears who dresses like what she thinks the girl at school wants her too dress like.

Yes, Myspace/MTV/radio/magazines all have there good sides to them... but I am a completely and thoroughly stubborn person and very rarely, and very grudgingly give in to such things. I just can't get over the fact that people don't ever really question what it is that they are pouring there entire lives into.

We're robots following the orders from "the man"... and we don't even realize it.

In almost every single thing we do... we are fake. And THAT is what i dislike about it. MTV/radio/fashion/magazines all put out a fictitious image of what we are all suppose to look like/act like/ enjoy listening to... and it sickens me. At work we have magazine upon magazine about celebrities and there daily activities. We mock them.. and yet try to become like them.

This whole topic is so completely ingrained in me that I am getting upset even thinking about it as I type this. I'm getting upset and sad because I am exactly what I hate... I look at what i listen too, what I dress like, what I act like... what i think about when I see a magazine telling us about how Britney Spears is flipping out at a night club... And it makes me physically sick.

I hate anything popular, yet I can't help but envy it at the same time. Satan has me gripped in his worldly view and it's eating me up inside. I try to imagine what being myself would look like... and I think, aren't I made up of everything around me? The experiences I've had, the things I've done/seen all make me who I am right? Am I made up of the things that perceive as disgusting? yes yes Yes.

I want so bad to be myself.. when myself is exactly what everyone else is. I am what I don't want to be. I find myself seeing people around me and thinking.. "Man, i really wish i could be unique and paint like Vange... or play piano like Hannah... or be as controversially stimulating as shaina... or be as caring as Erica... or as trusting in God as Dayna... or as strong willed as Justin, I wish I was myself... just like they are".

All of this influences my faith too. I don't even know how to explain it... I went to briercrest... and spent all of my time with the "haters". We were the people who disliked the majority of people around us because they were the over-achievers/wanna-be's/cool people. And at the very same time we were just fitting into a different category of people.

All i saw around me was fake-ness to the max. Majority of people were there for a) fun b) to find a spouse c) School diploma or the very least d) God

I would see people try to act spiritual just so people would admire them... or so they could impress that special someone that caught there eye. I saw people using Jesus' name for the sake of there own personal publicity... and it made me sick. This is part of the reason i feel very uncomfortable when talking about Jesus' with other people. Because honestly, if your going to be fake about your relationship with Christ then your pretty much mocking him to his face.

The more I think about it.. the more I realize why I am the way I am right now. I am a steady believer in Chivalry and Honor... both of which are all but forgotten in this day and age. My distaste in certain areas of popularity have totally boosted my determination to stick to the things I hold closest.

If i have offended anyone in any way by saying this... my deepest apologies... I just have to get things out every once in a while.

WARNING!

ERROR

I'm sorry, the topic you have just asked
about is now classified. Safety measures
are being taken and you may be booted
from the mainframe. Please log out now
as your computer may malfunction as
security systems will deem your presence
as a threat.

Have a nice day and remember to close the door behind you.

Whats that you say?

I would just like to start off by apologizing for my total lack of speed or grace when it comes to replying to the happenings in my ever so intriguing life.

The events that have transpired over the last few weeks have been both a blessing and a curse to me(curse is a rather strong word, but i couldn't think of anything better). Although it lifts a great burden from my shoulders, it has also filled me with dread. But in the end, this is much better than trying to ignore the ever insistent voice of the big man above.

We last left off at the topic of me running from said voice and its persistence in getting me to finally (3 years and running) admit defeat and succumb to our all knowing and ever loving Father.

I know that i prattle on and on in this rather stupid way, but I see it as a way to sort of vent or try and be creative in a way that doesn't seem overly redundant(which i am realizing that i am failing terribly at) But just bear with me and I will eventually get to the good stuff.

I talked to Connie.

And in doing so I found out that this evangelism group out of Vancouver is actually a bible school in Langley, BC called Christ for the Nations. (www.cfni.bc.ca) is the website if you care to check it out.

But anyways, after talking to Connie for a while, she told me that this street evangelism thing was actually a course that you could take. Highways and Biways it's called, and in this class they teach you how to present your faith and talk to people about it... and heres the best part...

They drop you off in a number of place, but the most noticeable one is East Hastings.

Now if any of you know me, you will know that I am not really a people person. Well it's not that I don't like people... it's that I don't like talking to people I don't know, and it makes it even more difficult if I have to talk about my faith(which is something I feel uncomfortable doing with even close friends).

So as of now I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed and relieved at the same time. On one hand I know what God wants me to do and that He is with me all the way, which is great(the unknown terrifies me). Yet this knowledge of what I'm suppose to do terrifies me even more.

Any prayer or support in this matter would be immensely appreciated.

Thank you in advance for the prayers and if not that?... thanks for reading my little blob of vowels and consunints.(wow, I don't even know how to spell a letter)

I bid you good day.

Running with my fingers in my ears.

I need prayer.

Plain and Simple.

I despise asking for help in almost any situation, but it seems that I have no choice in this matter now. I need prayer, encouragement and most of all... a stern voice bearing down on me from behind.

Ever since I was little, I have hated doing new things. To be honest, I'm terrified of the unknown. My mom and dad would have to force me to do try something for the first time. Whether it be learning to ride a bike, go to youth group for the first time or even learn to drive, they would pretty much have to drag me kicking and screaming.

For this, I love my parents all the more. The thing was, once i tried something, I realized it wasn't so bad, and then you couldn't stop me from trying or participating. My parents knew this about me, and after all these years I still haven't clued in. I still have a fear of trying new things.

I realize all of this, yet I still have a hard time with it. Why should I be afraid if I know that I will enjoy it? I still don't know.

All of this transfers into my relationship with Christ. I have never lead anyone to Jesus. Heck, I don't feel qualified or even knowledgeable enough to spout out random words that could even be recognized as evangelism. I think part of this inadequacy has to do with me never even trying.

Now it may seem like I'm jumping around here a lot, and I am, but it will all sort of tie in together here in a bit.

One of the questions I dread most is the one you start to hear right about the time you hit grade 11. "So what are you doing after you graduate?" This in itself, is a terrible question. What if the person doesn't know? What if they are unsure? What if they are pressured by certain individuals to amount to a certain standard that they know they can't accomplish? WHAT IF THEY DON'T KNOW?!?!

I am one of those people. And in saying that... I am a liar.

All of these concerns, all of these questions all fall down to the bigger question...



What does God want me to do?



That ladies and gentlemen... i DO know.

My first year at working at GTBC, I worked with Connie. Now Connie was our Head Female Counselor. And in this summer working with her, I found out some of her past. I found out that she was dating this guy(which has nothing to do with this story) and that she did inner city work with an evangelism group in Vancouver.

THAT is what I am suppose to do. I have kept this to myself for the past couple years, and EVERY single time i hear about God's will, I immediately think about this. And every time I think about it, I try to stuff it away. I try to ignore what I know to my very core, what it is that I am suppose to do with my life.

This is what I need my prayer for.
This is what I need my encouragement for.
This is what I need the stern voice for.

So what is it that I'm doing with my life?



I'm running away.

Honorable Unacted Intentions

I am slowly realizing more and more how much of a pessimist I actually am. Sure, in everyday situations i like to look for the best in them. But when it comes to perceiving myself and the thing going on around me, i can't help but be disgusted. Some people may not agree with my views on these subjects, but this is my blog and i shall say whatever I see fit. This shall all make sense after i give you a little background on what got me thinking so.

Shaina and I got to talking again tonight(usually ending quite late) and we settled upon the topic of our ancestry. For those who actually know me well enough, you will already know that I have an almost unhealthy admiration for Viking heritage. I love reading and learning about where I came from (I'm 3/4 Norwegian and a 1/4 Swedish), and how my ancestors lived and what there values were.

Looking back on all of this I'm realizing more and more how we have started to lose the few things that make us humans. Such qualities as chivalry, integrity and the most distressing... honor are all but lost on us. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not pointing my finger at everyone else saying that they are all terrible people, seeing as I am just as bad at portraying these qualities as everyone else. This is all the more disappointing for me as I notice I don't behave or act according to the standards that I view are important.

What ever happened to the saying "A man is only as good as his word"? Look around and you will see that we are surrounded by cheats, liars and swindlers. But i guess that is to be expected with the lack of respect and fear of God.

Respect!

Now there is another trait that has all but diminished, and in so many ways too. Respect for our elders is gone and respect for woman was all but annihilated decades ago. But that is all another topic for another day.

But as i look back at all that I am righting.. i come to one conclusion...

I'm a hypocrite

Everything i stand for or admire, i can't embody. It's not that its hard, I just don't do it. I have been trained so well by todays decaying society that it is a daily battle to just be polite. Sure i try to open the door for a lady, but at the end of the day what does that accomplish? her saving a few calories burned? So in saying all of this, I put the task up to all of you. If you ever seeing me act in a fashion that is contradictory to what I write here... TELL ME!

Not gonna do any good letting little things slide.

Cause in the end.. isn't a whole bunch of little things.. a big thing?

Honor - honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions

A chosen people?

I am currently reading through Acts, when i came across something that puzzled me in verse 13:48. Paul and Barnabas are traveling around telling people about Jesus' death and resurrection when they come to Antioch.

47. For this is what the Lord has commanded us:

"I have made you a light for the Gentiles,
That you may bring salvation to the ends of the earth."

48. When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and honored the word of the Lord; and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.

Now that last little bit is what puzzles me. Doesn't everyone have the chance to believe in God? Are there certain individuals out there who God specifically closes there eyes so that they won't believe? I know that God is all knowing and knows how a person dies and where they go (book of life) So is that sorta what Paul is writing here? That the people who won't believe anyways aren't allowed to believe? Personally this kind of scares me, are there people out there that it's not that they won't turn to God... but that they can't?